(Tried to post this at the weekend and totally screwed up the formatting. Some of you may enjoy it.)
How To Review The New Interpol Record In 5 Easy Steps
1) Carlos. CARLOS. Carlos. Carlos, Cloras, Caslor, DENGLER IS YOUR GOD. Never mind the guy wasn’t the singer, wasn’t the principle songwriter, hasn’t even been in the band for nearly 5 years, your entire piece will focus on the one you fancied / wanted to be (delete according to gender and/or sexual orientation) or, more crucially, his absence. No one else will cover this!
2) New York City. If you have ever lived there, the bulk of your review should be about your memories/experiences/that girl you loved the summer you lived in Williamsburg during college. Because your individual experience (as a middle class, cis-het whitedude, of course) says something universal about a city of 9 million people. If you haven’t lived there, just repeat a bunch of hackneyed tropes, clichés about ~what NYC means in the “American” (that is: your) Imagination~. The more out of date your references are (aim for, oh, about September of 2001), the better.
3) Hipsters. When you write about Interpol’s audience, always use the word Hipsters. Hipsters listen to Interpol; Interpol are defined by Being The Band That Hipsters Listen To. Do not bother to define what “Hipster” means (it’s always just someone cooler, younger, wealthier than you); do not bother interacting with any actual fans, and especially ignore ones that aren’t WASPs, aren’t Americans, don’t live in Brooklyn. Talk about Hipsters and score bonus points if you get in something about black clothes and “cool”.
4) Post-Punk. God forbid you should write something about the music, instead of the (perceived) audience, suits, cigarettes, and Brooklyn Hipsters. But if you really need to make up the word count, make sure to use the word “Post-Punk” repeatedly. Again, never bother defining this word, and in fact, use it to broadly mean “any white British band using guitars or indeed synthesisers between the years 1974 and 1992.” Bonus points for mentioning you don’t buy the J— D— trope, (while secretly reinforcing it). If any member of the band mentions their actual musical tastes, e.g. hip-hop or Bowie or Fugazi - whatever you do, do not mention Fugazi! - ignore this completely and just say “Post-Punk” again, this time modifying with an adjective like atmospheric, moody, dark or gloomy. That’ll cover it.
5) “But they haven’t put out a good record since Antics!” It’s funny how their music just hasn’t had the same impact since you were a college Freshman, isn’t it? Express mild disappointment that you are no longer the person or collection of tastes you were in high school. Don’t bother listening to those two later albums to see how they’ve aged, or more importantly, how you’ve aged. Just write something about “a return to form!” because you are now at a remove distant enough to feel charitable about your college memories and tastes.
Congratulations! You can now work for Pitchfork, Rolling Stone, Spin, Vice, the NME or even Drowned In Sound, if you’re really special.
I fucking love you.